Open Letter to My Fantasy League

Yes it’s that time of year again, FOOTBALL SEASON, and with that comes FANTASY FOOTBALL, no longer just for us nerds, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, cats and dogs, well mascots maybe, all compete for points, and now apparently draft picks. I may be late to the table, maybe I was too busy winning championships in five of the seven leagues I’ve participated in over the last four years. I like to play in two leagues a year, mine, and either a public league or just some one’s league that I know, just so I can measure myself against random people. Now I’d like to share with my FYN readers, an open letter to my fantasy league. Ladies, what follows is often an answer to that preverbial question,

“What are you thinking?”

Dear Fellow Fantasy Ballers,

I don’t know if this is a new feature, or I just didn’t notice it before, but we can trade draft picks in next year’s draft, along with players. We can actually be that fantasy general manager that we always think we are. I feel like Dez Bryant when the babysitter falls alseep; however I am making a decree that anyone who makes a trade for draft picks and does not join the league the next year is BANNED FOR LIFE with a “Stews'” ELBOW OF DEATH to boot. I’m serious, that’s way worse than being the guy who’s team is terrible so he gives up, or colluding, more on that later. I personally like the guy who gives up, more wins for me shawty!

Now on to collusion. I’ve been the commissioner of this league for a while. Some of you have been in it since it’s inception; I knew “3 Chainz” when he had one chain; I knew “The Rayle Roaders” before Craig Montgomery signed with Gonzaga, and we don’t take it too serious; because frankly there’s no money involved. That being said, it’s been brought to my attention that collusion can occur in any league, ie. you miss the playoffs and allow your buddy to have all your players.

I personally don’t care about that, if you can fenagle it, fenagle it; however the argument was presented to me that any and every league of football from pound ball to NFL, to every fantasy league there is a commissioner to keep such things from happening, I never took it that serious, as serious as I take it, IDP’s shawty!

It’s because the question is about fairness, and I was always taught to believe that life isn’t fair, so suck it up; however, in sports fairness is of the utmost importance. So, I’ve come up with what I think is the solution, since I’m not going to have a trade deadline, and I am not going to have a bunch of people protesting trades.

If a team that has secured a spot in the playoffs (or is very close to making the playoffs), and trades with a team that is eliminated from the playoffs (or has next to no shot at making the playoffs), you can get as many players as you want; however, you must exchange lowest for highest draft picks per player. In short, if you swap four players, the playoff (trying to get in team), has to give his four highest available draft picks for the eliminated (almost eliminated) team’s lowest available picks, same for one player, two, etc etc.

I’d like to know what you think I am not a “God-ELL, Father of Jor-EL”, so I’m not just going to make decisions with out yall’s impute. I’d like to very much know what your thoughts are.

LT Owner of the “The Dirty Pimps”

PS What do yall think about a “keeper league?”